Two parked cars fall in love and are torn apart when one of their owners drives off. The boy car chases after her, and upon finding each other again they lovingly embrace…which is actually a horrible car accident that spews cartoonish violence everywhere. 

Oy! Time to play catch-up

A rather packed schedule has strongly impacted my pitching these last two weeks. Time to get back on the wagon!

Pitch #1: In the far future, humanity’s alien diplomacy doctrine is a combo of #1. military force and #2. sexy “unite our cultures through forbidden love” ditzy porn stars, and the two often clash on the military vessels they share. But after a horrible mix-up, military illiterate/sex ninja Chestity Pantylake must defeat the Blognargs in space combat, while the crashlanded, lantern-jawed and freak-flag burning Commander Reagan Mangun must dress like an effeminate ninny to seduce the bizarre and hideous princess of the Blognarg empire. Chestity somehow saves the day, and Reagan Mangun unites our two cultures by getting implanted with the Blognarg princess’s egg sac. 

Pitch #2: A biologist creates a sentient 1000 LB grizzly bear who fights for a specific human right: to become a pro baller in the NBA! Grizzly B-air. (Also a jet fighter pilot.)

Pitch #3: With Latin America’s Catholics migrating to Mexico’s bizarre narco-smuggler cults, the church’s member retention/resurgence plan focuses on a Seth Rogan-esque “weed pope”, who fights for legalization from a smoke-filled Pope-mobile. But legalization impacts the cartels’ profits, turning the pope’s carefree lifestyle into one of deadly survival.

alien peace treaties have been found easily occur after a series of events: #1. Human/Alien cultures clash, #2. a “forbidden love” H/A romance happens, and #3. the half-breed offspring gives both cultures a maybe-we’re-not-so-different 

Best pitch EVER?

Aliens whose language is fart-oriented come to earth, and humanity sends them the UN’s no-nonsense top ambassador, along with a fart-based comedian translator who somehow can understand and speak their language. With the galactic senate’s two factions preparing for war over earth, the ambassador and his “Fart Sacagawea” fart their way into a peace accord that also earns Earth a premature place in the galactic senate.  

(Epilogue: the UN ambassador and his farting friend travel around earth, fixing other conflicts such as Israel/Palestine, North/South Korea and Star Wars vs. Star Trek using fart-based diplomacy)

A plucky intern at Goldman Sachs goes big-time by inventing the Holy Church of Investment Banking thus making windfall profits count as religiously tax-exempt, but things get complicated when the Church of JP Morgan Chase of Latter Day Investors declare holy war, and he sacrifice himself as a martyr, thus giving their church the gravitas needed to keep their religion status. 

An aging wrestler is diagnosed with an extremely foul-smelling crotch infection and doesn’t treat it when it leads to wrestling victories and a career revival, but finally must choose between winning his dream of a championship or treating the infection before it turns fatal. 

Earth receives an alien tactical briefing explaining how they’ll give Earth’s most downtrodden, underrepresented people super-technology, thus making the human-alien alliance look like a victory over tyranny, and the world’s governments undermine this with extreme measures of societal improvement. 300 years later, said aliens (who refer to themselves as Ghod) show up to a Utopian earth and explain to humans that bluffing sentient races into utopia via fear of destruction is a ruse they use over and over as precursor into galactic welcoming. 

Benevolent aliens come to earth with a respectful tribute to the “Church of Earth”, but because their only census data was telescopic images of earth’s surface they think the dominant religion is McDonald’s. A young rookie pope’s shame turns into a mission of health activism, and after McDonalds’ plummeting corporate headquarters orders his assassination he is canonized as the Patron Saint of Fitness. 

Some siblings discover that when their toilet is super-clean, the dishes are done, the dumpster is fed garbage or the cat box is poop-free, these things are portals to a whimsical, magical world. They clean these portals to get adventures in the magical realm, but uncover the truth: their wizard parents are jerks who tricked them into manual labor and building character. 

The prophetically born creative director of a kid’s “extreme” juice discovers that brand names like Apple Earthquake and Strawberry Tsunami have been magically summoning the world’s natural disasters. He tries to use his powers for good (hitting terrorists, toppling oppressive governments, etc) but it goes horribly awry, so instead he heroically accepts bankruptcy by releasing boring juice flavors, such as Pineapple Peace Treaty and Berry Beautiful Day. 

An uppity new-age rich kid flies to a remote Eastern country hoping to cure his Restless Leg Syndrome “holistically” with tiger balls, bear spleen and ginseng pistils, but learns about their most potent liniment: the liquefied organs of uppity new-age rich kids! He must now escape with his life, and learns a valuable lesson about testing-driven medicine and not complaining about stuff you can sleep off.  

A wimpy vegan scientist ends animal cruelty with a virus that mutates pain nerves in cattle into nothingness, but humanity is threatened when lack of pain makes cattle into RAMPAGING DEATH MACHINES. For his well-meaning crimes he’s sentenced to jain, and fearing the violence of prison he modifies the virus to affect humans, starting with himself….uh oh. 

A bunch of high school nerds and outcasts kidnap and torture some jock, only to realize that all slights against them were completely imagined, Hollywood and Disney have perpetuated a horrific “jocks are mean” stereotype, and that in modern society athletic kids walk in fear under constant derision and anti-jock prejudice. Now that said jock’s Stockholm Syndrome makes him drink mountain dew and listen to Slayer all day, they must de-Stockholm him in time to win the big game, or else he’ll lose his scholarship and his life will be ruined. 

Almost caught up to an amount that counts as once a day! 

The “Free Hugs” guy finds his youtube ad revenue unsustainable and begins charging for hugs, and after his life spirals into the dark world of hug prostitution he can no longer enjoy the small emotional gesture without pay, until finally a hug John leaves him for dead in a seedy motel. 

Technocorp’s two customer service reps accidentally get $5 million in stock options for failing competitor Computech, and to cash in they have to make Computech flourish with the only tool available to them: providing epically bad customer service so that Technocorp’s stock plummets.

The Isle of Saint Augustine

A plane crash maroons a pubescent teenage boy on an island with the class of Saint Augustine Punitive School for Naughty Girls and their incredibly mean headmistress. He works to rid the island of the party-pooping headmistress, but learns to his horror that “Naughty Girls” really meant that the girls are violently, criminally insane, and his life depends on escaping the island.